Madness

I can feel it creeping in. It hits me at night when I try to sleep but just toss and turn for hours. It hits me when I'm at work and my mind wanders. Some people notice when my eyes glaze over and I seem like a robot. I always notice. I try to reel it in but to no avail. These lines on my wrist tell me I still exist. The hard bumps where the cuts are soothe me far more than any word or touch. The madness is becoming who I am. Or maybe it was always who I was. Maybe I am only just realizing that it exists. I can hear it calling me. Maybe someday I'll give in and indulge myself in it. Maybe someday I'll fall and never return...

He

He is my experiment. My toy. I'm using him so I can learn and study reactions. Fuck. I'm using him. To distract me. To learn from. I am just gonna hurt him. I'm so stupid... I need to stop. I need to say no. I need to move on. I need.... I just need to learn to shut up.

Screaming in the Dark

If the snow is so silent then why do
my footsteps scrunch and my rubber soles squeak?
Why do you say the cold is calming and
peaceful? My mind fills the night with dreadful
thoughts of murder and other horrid things.
The white snow haunts me and the hush air kills.
Your so-called “silence” will be my slow death.
Your so-called “silence” will be my slow death.
The white snow haunts me and the hush air kills.
Thoughts of murder and other horrid things…
Peaceful? My mind fills the night with dread so
why do you say the cold is calming as
my footsteps scrunch and my rubber soles squeak?

If the snow is so silent then why…

As I Walk Down The Hallway

I catch his eye and smile.

He smiles back and grabs my arm.
We slide unnoticed into a corner.
His hands move to my waist.
He leans forward and our lips meet.
I wrap my arms around his neck.
My fingers run through his hair.
He pulls me closer.
Our mouths move together,
Our lust finally finding an escape.
His hand slides up my shirt
His fingers run hot against my skin
And…
The bell rings.
I open my eyes.
I’m still in class.
It was just a dream.
No hot make-out session.
Just stupid AP Bio.
Urg.

Forever

When you hold my hand

You hold me up.

You keep me from falling,

You keep me from failing.

When you kiss me softly,

You save my life.

My trust and my heart

Rest in your loving arms.

When you move a little closer,

Your arm touching mine,

You shield me from pain

And chase the monsters away.

When you whisper those three strong words

I forget how to breathe.

I shudder. I smile.

I know I feel the same.

These secrets will be my downfall...

I just want you all to know that I am a bad person. I keep secrets from those I love because I know the things I do will hurt them. But I do these things anyway. I let myself go far too easily and I am not quite right in the head. Maybe if I was saner I wouldn't fall so easily into temptation. I am an addict for anything and anyone that makes me forget and makes me feel good. I am not a good person and you deserve better.

Ouch....

Well that hurt more than I thought it would. You strode to the front of the stage with your sax in your hand. I tried desperately to look everywhere, anywhere else. You smiled and played beautifully. I couldn't help it. I watched the whole time. The familier lean and you hit the stronger notes. The way the crowd could tell you knew what you were doing... It was more than I could bear.
Even after the show I could tell when you were near. You didn't acknowledge me though. You probably didn't know I was there. Your sister didn't look at me either. And your mom, who normally would go out of her way to talk to me, avoided my pleading gaze.
There's too much strife. I can't stand to be around you or see you or hear of you when there is so much unsaid. Seeing you happy and content hurt more than I though it would. There is nothing I can do at this point. Trying to talk to you would be useless. I deleted you from my phone and my facebook but you'll always be in my heart and my memories.
I'm sorry, Dan. You were a good friend but you ran away when challenged. You weren't as strong as I thought you were.

William

     I spent the night with a man named William.
     We sat for hours and sipped our wine. We spoke of movies and music and books. We contemplated the meanings of life and death. We shared stories and laughed until we could not breathe. I fell asleep in his arms and made him breakfast in the morning.
     Complications arose and he had to leave shortly after. He only kissed me twice. Once quickly and nervously early in the evening. One lingering and passionate right as he left. I knew him for a few short hours, but I felt like I had known him my whole life. I may never meet him again, but I will always remember the night I fell for a man named William.

That awkward moment when the person you need to see this never will...

Hey you. Yeah, you! I know we haven't spoken since... Well... Since we dropped you off that day... But I just want you to know that I'm sorry I was such a mess. I'm sorry for everything I did. But mostly I want to let you know that no matter what happened between us... Between any of us... Whenever I look at any of those stupid pictures I took of you, I still smile. I wish things were different. But life never does what we want it to, does it?

Dear fucktard

To the douchbag on Youtube with the gall to call himself "tayronpenis," go to hell. You are rude and ignorant and your severe dislike for gays can be kept to yourself. But for your own information, AIDS is not a gay disease. It comes from mixing bodily fluids and anyone can get it. Gays get it more often because they don't think of condoms like straight people do. They don't have to worry about getting pregnant. Freddie Mercury got AIDS for this reason. And, in the 80's, no one knew about the disease because it was very hush hush. And I am almost okay with you disliking gays because you are entitled to your own opinion, but that is no reason to hate Queen. They were inovators and creators. They helped millions of people with their music and spurred a new movement in the music industry. Never hate a person for being more talented than yourself. Never hate someone for being talented. Never hate someone for being themselves.
Oh yeah. And some people are born gay. Scientifically proven that some people have different brainwaves and that is why they like people of the same gender. My friend is turning into a guy by taking testosterone because he was born with the brain of a male and the body of a female. He wanted to be one way but society and people like you told him to be the opposite. But now he is standing up for himself and being who he had to be.
So stop being a dick and judge people after you learn their hopes, dreams, desires, and who they are as people. Because that is what they are. People. Just as we all are.

I read too much

I really do. The perfect guy in my mind is someone who stands up for me when I can't. I want the guy everyone writes about. I want the guy that knows me better than myself.
Recently, I went on a trip and a guy we'll just call George to keep identities safe. George was an ass to me the entire one and a half weeks. George constantly made me feel useless and insignificant. He tortured me emotionally. The only time Matt stood up for me was when he was personally hurt by George. He didn't try to stop the other stuff even though he knew how much pain I was in. If my life was in a book, this is more how it would have happened....
(Names have been changed and it is in third person because that is just how I work.)

At one point on the return trip, Lyndsee had had enough. She was sitting in the passenger seat as Cheryl drove and was shaking with anger. If he says one more thing.... I'm gonna crack. And then he did.
"This piece of shit GPS is getting us no where. Just like this dumb car. You buy shit stuff, Lyndsee."
"Do you know what?!?" she screamed, tears rolling down her face. "If you hate all my stuff so much then why don't you spend tons of money paying for this dumb ass trip?!"
Cheryl sighed and looked in the rearview mirror at Jake. He just shook his head and gently asked Lyndsee to hand him the GPS. She gritted her teeth and threw it at him. It bounced off the window and hit him in the shoulder. She knew she had gone too far, but she was too far gone to care.
Cheryl pulled over the car at the first exit and checked te GPS herself. Lyndsee got out of the car and slammed her door. She walked a good 10 feet behind the car and then started screaming. She kept until she fell to her knees, sobbing. She could feel the panic creeping into her heart and jammed her hand into her mouth to stifle the smaller screams of pain and terror.
Inside the car, George looked at Jake with a sneer. "Your girlfriend is a drama queen."
Jake reached over and grabbed George by the shirt collar. "Shut the fuck up. You don't know shit about what she's going through. All of this is because of you! If you could just learn to keep your damn mouth shut then she would be fine. Instead you keep jabbing at her insecurities and breaking down her walls she tried so hard to keep up. You don't know how much pain she's been in cuz she's too damn nice to inconvenience you by letting you know. After all this, she probably still wants to be frienda with you. God knows why. After this, I never wanna see your face again." Jake got out of the car and knelt near Lyndsee, holding her shoulders as she shook.
Her panic attack was getting worse, but she didn't want him to know. She bit into her hand to stop the screams and her eyes were refusing to blink. The ground in front of her face was a blur theough the tears and blood slowly started to leak from her hand.
George slowly knelt on the other sidw of her and put his hand on the top of her head. "I'm sorry."
Her cries started to quiet and she loosened her jaw. Her breath began to even out and within 10 minutes she was just crying silently. The three didn't move until she finally stood up and walked back to the car. Jake looked at George and nodded a silent thank you. He smiled slightly and nodded back, his eyes troubled.
The state of Lyndsee's hand made him see how much he had really hurt her on the inside. Each perfect toothmark beaded with blood was like each taunt and jest he had thrown at her. For the rest of the trip, the rest of his life, he watched his words. He held his tongue and looked up to her for not hating hm for his mistake.

See? Isn't that lovely? Jake stood up for her and helped her through it. I need that. But... This isn't a fairytale. In real life, I did flip at George and I did stupidly throw the GPS at Matt. But I didn't storm out of the car and I used my nails instead of my teeth. That way, no one saw it. No one knew. No one was bothered by it. They just thought it was a bad day. They didn't know I was actually having an attack. They still don't know...
But this is my note to... George. I'm sorry for flipping on you. I'm sorry for not talking to you since then. When I'm at a shortage of people who will care about me... I should probably stop making the few people I know mad. So... I'm sorry. Foegive me?

My Dream

       What do I want? I want to write. I want to be a person that changes a generation with my words. Words can do anything. They have the power to fix lives or tear them apart. With a pencil and a paper, I can do anything. I can help people all over the world. I want to teach those who have everything what it feels like to lose it all. I want to give those who have lost everything the courage to win it all back. I want to be a person my children and their children will look up to because of how much I have accomplished. One day, I will be the kind of person I want my kids to be. One day, I will be the kind of person I’ve always admired. One day, I will be somebody with the strength to do anything. That’s what I want. I want to live. I want to love. And I want to teach people what it’s like to feel how I do. With these words, people will relate and react and I will be the one to thank when they come together. One day, I will say “you’re welcome” with a heart full of joy and a mind full of what comes next.

Goodbye

Missing

He’s cleaned up

But he still isn’t happy

He’s in love

But his heart is broken

He wants to know the world

But he just can’t see it

She misses the kid she grew up with

She wants his smile back

She needs his laugh

She doesn’t know him anymore

But she’s only a girl

What can she do?

He'll never know

Do you Remember?

When we laughed and laughed

As we blew up that bucket

And soaked ourselves on

The fourth of July

When we spoke of aliens

As we lay on your old

Trampoline and got too

Scared and ran inside

When I came up from Utah

And spent Christmas with your family

We played for hours but

When I left you cried

When my mom babysat that summer

And my brother was crazy tired

And you fell out of the chair

From laughing too hard

All the fun we had

All the memories shared

All the years are gone

Do you still remember it?

Because I still do.

Oh, to wallow

I spent all day getting dressed for you. I spent all day trying to look my best. I carefully picked out the most flattering outfit. I did my makeup just the way you like it. I did everything to impress you... but it didn't work out. I never even saw you. I was blown off again. I was pushed to the side like always. So now I sit alone at my computer, crying away my hardwork. You will never know that I cried. You will never know how hard I tried. Because I won't tell you. This is my secret. This is my filthy habit. This is the part of me I'm trying desperately to keep you away from. Because this girl is not beautiful, no matter how much makeup she puts on. This dress is a costume to make me feel wanted... but it was all for naught. This is my memory that you will never hear about. You do not know my misery. I hope you fall for my tricks. I hope you believe I'm happy. I'd hate to see your pain when you find out about mine.

Like None Other

Like None Other

                                    For Matt

You are the rhyme

to my meter.

You are the poem

to my life.

You are a metaphor, a simile,

an image yearning

to be shared with the world.

Lips like blips

on my radar -

I will always find them.

Eyes a mix of brown and green

a sight to be seen -

pools to be lost in.

Skin so soft and akin

to a downy bed of feathers-

minus the sharp little sticks.

Freckles just like speckles

and sprinkles and wild

hair adding flair to

this cheesy love from above

that rests in the branches of

the twisted tree of you and me.

We are a fairytale

never forgotten.

We can never fail.

We will not be broken.

I am a child gone crazy

In Chuck-E-Cheese

and you are my lucky token.

Fuck

I realized that when I post my stuff I tend to post it all at once. And then I remembered that no one reads this shit so it doesn't really matter. I just ramble because I can. This is my bitch-fest. This is where I blabber on about how much my life sucks even though I know that other people are suffering worse than I am but I think that my life sucks just because I cna't seem to really think about other people because I'm a selfish BITCH! Fuck my life! I need to learn how to shut up. I need to learn to stop being so angry... so hurtful... FUCK!!!!!!! someone kill me now.... put me out of this misery... put yourself out of this god awful pain that hasn't been warrented in the slightest. fuck.......

Consumed

Consumed

I love the soft touch of his hands.

I love the deep burning in his eyes

Matching the flames in my heart.

I love the warmth of his body

On those cool summer nights.

I love the dark freckles on his face

His arms

His lips.

Oh his lips…

Their heated touch on my skin

Sets me on fire.

The strength of his arms

Pushed my heart into overdrive.

My mind clears

My blood races.

I yearn just to hold his hand.

The two of us…

Together as one…

I love him.

Everything and anything he does.

I can’t live without him.

I don’t want to try.

I just want him

All of him

Forever.

Where I'm From

Where I’m From…

I am from change.

From the city smog,

From the scorching desert,

From the mountainous air.

I am from the loud.

I am from the quiet.

From the painful fights,

From forgiving when I can

Forgetting when I can’t.

I’m from finding love

In the strangest of ways.

From meeting the strangest of people.

From being shaped and molded

Into the person I am today.

I am from the best of friends.

From the moments and memories

In Chelsea’s car at lunch.

From dancing to Space Jam,

From laughing uncontrollably,

From sugar and Mountain Dew.

I’m from the loving moments

From the not-so-loving moments.

I am from seeing the pain in drugs

From the anger in alcohol.

I’m from fighting my way through,

From staying strong when

All I want to do is cry.

I’m from the trailer.

From the apartment

From the house.

I’m from not enough money

And hand-me-down toys.

I’m from drowning in music.

From the Beatles and Eminem.

From Nelson and Goldfinger.

I’m from diversity.

All in all

I’m from keeping an open mind.

From learning all I can.

I’m from making the very best of life

In this crazy mixed up world.

April Storm

April Storm

Creatures scatter and run,

Taking shelter in their quiet homes.

They prepare for the April Storm.

They prepare for the show.

Rain falls like tears of angels,

Washing the world clean of pain.

The thunder clashes like a giant bass drum,

Giving a steady beat to life.

Lightning streaks across the sky,

A fireworks show for the critters below.

The wind “oohs” and “ahs,” trees

Start into a round of applause.

And then the main attraction

Comes to play.

The symphony of spring

Starts with a crash. Flowers bow

To the band, shrubs whisper their praise.

The wind whistles, the trees sway

To the rhythm. The drum beats louder

And faster. The fireworks gain

Momentum. Then, the grand finale.

Lightning strikes, sparks fly.

The earth trembles, and the rains recede.

The applause grows… and dies.

Creatures return from their homes,

Taking in the fresh musky scent.

Life has been cleansed once more

By the mighty April Storm.

Winter Moon

Winter Moon

Oh Winter Moon,

Hidden behind blackened clouds,

What secrets do you keep from me?

What ails you when you sigh,

Your cold breath blowing gently

Through the deadened trees?

I see your faint glow,

The haunted curvature

Of the forlorn Witch’s Nail.

My heart aches for you.

Alone in the deep blue sky

Is where you forever stay,

Beholding the gifts nature brings.

You see all, like the knowing eye

Of the all-mighty Creator.

You’re sly smile does naught to hide

The wonders of your mind.

Oh Winter Moon,

Hidden behind blackened clouds,

What secrets do you keep from me?