He

He is my experiment. My toy. I'm using him so I can learn and study reactions. Fuck. I'm using him. To distract me. To learn from. I am just gonna hurt him. I'm so stupid... I need to stop. I need to say no. I need to move on. I need.... I just need to learn to shut up.

Screaming in the Dark

If the snow is so silent then why do
my footsteps scrunch and my rubber soles squeak?
Why do you say the cold is calming and
peaceful? My mind fills the night with dreadful
thoughts of murder and other horrid things.
The white snow haunts me and the hush air kills.
Your so-called “silence” will be my slow death.
Your so-called “silence” will be my slow death.
The white snow haunts me and the hush air kills.
Thoughts of murder and other horrid things…
Peaceful? My mind fills the night with dread so
why do you say the cold is calming as
my footsteps scrunch and my rubber soles squeak?

If the snow is so silent then why…

As I Walk Down The Hallway

I catch his eye and smile.

He smiles back and grabs my arm.
We slide unnoticed into a corner.
His hands move to my waist.
He leans forward and our lips meet.
I wrap my arms around his neck.
My fingers run through his hair.
He pulls me closer.
Our mouths move together,
Our lust finally finding an escape.
His hand slides up my shirt
His fingers run hot against my skin
And…
The bell rings.
I open my eyes.
I’m still in class.
It was just a dream.
No hot make-out session.
Just stupid AP Bio.
Urg.

Forever

When you hold my hand

You hold me up.

You keep me from falling,

You keep me from failing.

When you kiss me softly,

You save my life.

My trust and my heart

Rest in your loving arms.

When you move a little closer,

Your arm touching mine,

You shield me from pain

And chase the monsters away.

When you whisper those three strong words

I forget how to breathe.

I shudder. I smile.

I know I feel the same.

These secrets will be my downfall...

I just want you all to know that I am a bad person. I keep secrets from those I love because I know the things I do will hurt them. But I do these things anyway. I let myself go far too easily and I am not quite right in the head. Maybe if I was saner I wouldn't fall so easily into temptation. I am an addict for anything and anyone that makes me forget and makes me feel good. I am not a good person and you deserve better.

Ouch....

Well that hurt more than I thought it would. You strode to the front of the stage with your sax in your hand. I tried desperately to look everywhere, anywhere else. You smiled and played beautifully. I couldn't help it. I watched the whole time. The familier lean and you hit the stronger notes. The way the crowd could tell you knew what you were doing... It was more than I could bear.
Even after the show I could tell when you were near. You didn't acknowledge me though. You probably didn't know I was there. Your sister didn't look at me either. And your mom, who normally would go out of her way to talk to me, avoided my pleading gaze.
There's too much strife. I can't stand to be around you or see you or hear of you when there is so much unsaid. Seeing you happy and content hurt more than I though it would. There is nothing I can do at this point. Trying to talk to you would be useless. I deleted you from my phone and my facebook but you'll always be in my heart and my memories.
I'm sorry, Dan. You were a good friend but you ran away when challenged. You weren't as strong as I thought you were.

William

     I spent the night with a man named William.
     We sat for hours and sipped our wine. We spoke of movies and music and books. We contemplated the meanings of life and death. We shared stories and laughed until we could not breathe. I fell asleep in his arms and made him breakfast in the morning.
     Complications arose and he had to leave shortly after. He only kissed me twice. Once quickly and nervously early in the evening. One lingering and passionate right as he left. I knew him for a few short hours, but I felt like I had known him my whole life. I may never meet him again, but I will always remember the night I fell for a man named William.