Just Me

Breaking into hives

And cold sweats

Having panic attacks

And hot flashes

Forgetting how to breathe

Forgetting how to sleep

I don’t want to eat

I don’t want to drink

Please God

Make them leave me alone

They don’t understand

They never really will

I’m not sad

Just crazy

I’m not mad

Just disappointed

I need some time

To rebuild these walls

I need some peace

To quiet my mind

Why don’t they get it

Why can’t they see?

It’s never been them

It’s always been me.

Yes, well, about that...

I was supposed to be working on a new book. NOPE! I worked 3 jobs instead. So now I am back down to one job and its with photos so it's something I love. But I still haven't worked on that book. I started 3 but never finished them. I don't know what to do with myself.

A new book?!?

                I am starting a new book. Again. But this one will probably have all my other stories that I’ve started already in it. It will be written by a character we will call Fate. This character follows people through time and sees their love lives and meddles slightly but mostly observes. So this will be a bunch of short love stories of boy meets girl (or boy meets boy or girl meets girl in some cases) and it will be cheesy but I need to get all these bullshit love stories out of my head and into something else. So I am writing a book. My goal is to have at least 5 decently written out and described love stories that I can put together with this Fate person and have it organized and ready to possibly publish… wish me luck…

Old but... yeah....

I wrote this a couple years ago. It is near the ending of a book I used to write. I stopped writing it cuz I started to hate it. But yeah. Here ya go. Let me know what you think....



                Friday night, nine fifteen pm. Kari and Jarrod had just finished a movie at the cinema and the night was strangely warm for so late in December, so they walked home. About hallway to Kari’s, it started to rain. They slowed down so they could enjoy the weather and have more time to talk.

                “You sure you aren’t too cold?” Jarrod asked. “You’re only wearing a thin jacket.”

                “I’m fine,” replied Kari, her arm circling around Jarrod’s waist. “I don’t get cold easily.” And she really didn’t. Her blood ran at a temperature slightly above humans and the elements didn’t bother her.

                “If you’re sure…” Jarrod said as he looked ahead of them. “That guy looks familiar.”

                “Hmm?” Kari followed his gaze and saw a man standing in the middle of the sidewalk before them. His arms were slightly away from his body, as though he were waiting for someone to come by so he could grab them. Kari stopped cold when she saw the dripping blonde hair and glowing blue eyes.

                They were about ten feet apart and she could hear him whisper her name. “Kari.” Kyle took a step toward them and she saw his nails growing along with her fear. Jarrod then recognized him and moved Kari behind him. Her anxiety spiked when she saw Jarrod’s protective glare.

                “Jarrod. Don’t,” she whispered, her hands pulling at his jacket.

                “I’m going to protect you.”

                “It’s not me I’m worried about. He’s going to kill you.”

                Jarrod merely strengthened his stance and held her tighter. “No he won’t. I promise.”

                Kyle laughed. “I’d listen to the bitch if I were you. You can still run. Give her up and I won’t have to hurt you.”

                “Never. I won’t let her be hurt by you.”

                “You can’t stop me, puny human. I’ll rip you to shreds.”

                “Kari. Leave. Get yourself out of her.” Jarrod began to walk towards Kyle. Kari was frozen to the spot. Fear had paralyzed her and she could do naught but watch as Jarrod once more asked Kyle to leave them alone.

                Kyle barked a laugh. “She’s mine, asshole. I’m taking her.” Jarrod gritted his teeth and slammed his fist into Kyle’s jaw. Kyle’s head snapped to the side and he bared his teeth. “You’re going to regret that.”

                Slowly, his arms lengthened and his body morphed into that of an oversized wolf. Jarrod’s eyes went wide and he backed up. Kyle, now a large gray wolf, locked eyes with him and leapt. As his massive teeth sank into Jarrod’s side, Kari screamed. She watched helplessly as her love fell to the ground and slipped into unconsciousness.

                “No,” Kari whispered softly. “This can’t be real.” The sight before her disgusted her but she couldn’t look away. Rain fell from the blackened clouds overhead, washing her life down the street along with Jarrod’s. Kyle stood over his draining body. A low growl sounded and teeth flashed white as he grinned at her. A dark red liquid dripped from his needle sharp canines. He looked back to the body below him and moved to take another bite, as if the first one hadn’t done enough.

                “NO!” Kari screamed. Kyle stopped and looked at her. Tears continued to flow down her cheeks but the pain ebbed slightly and was covered by pure rage. Her sapphire eyes smoldering with fury, she felt the familiar ache and instantly began to change.

                Kyle watched her reaction carefully. Anger was what he needed to draw forth her true form and mature her completely. As she met his eyes with a fierce fire, he backed up slightly. The started to think that maybe he has pushed her too far. Maybe this wasn’t the right way to approach this.

                Kari screamed in wordless rage as her limbs began to lengthen and she fell to her hands and knees. Her eyes never left the ice blue of the creature before her. Fur bristled over her body and a deep menacing growl ripped its way from her chest.

                Kyle took another step back. This was what he had initially wanted but fear began to settle into his mind. The change was now completed and an angry howl filled the air, quickly followed by crashing thunder. With one giant leap, Kari was on him, snapping at his throat. Try as he may, the monster couldn’t escape her fury. Her body was much smaller than his own and could easily dodge the deadly claws protruding from his large paws.

                The fight didn’t last long. She nipped and scratched at him, slowly ripping his body to shreds. Soon, she had a death grip on his throat and his hot blood filled her mouth. With one last snarl, she jumped to the sidewalk. There, she watched Kyle fall to his knees, hair disappearing and body slowly shortening. With a thump, he hit the ground in the shape of his human form. His blue eyes, now void of life, watched her as her anger eased.

                Kari slowly turned her head towards the young man behind her. Jarrod’s wounds were deep but he was still breathing. She trotted over to him and nudged his head with her nose. The sickly sweet smell of fresh blood filled her mind, covering the earthy scent of the storm surrounding them. He flinched away from her touch and opened his sea-green eyes.

                His breath was jagged and rough. Blood soaked into his clothes and matted his once soft hair. As Kari cried over his body, she slowly morphed back into her slender human form. She softly whispered over and over, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

                “Kari… I never knew you were so beautiful.” Jarrod smiled through his pain. “I’ve always loved dogs. Why didn’t you tell me?”

                Kari looked at him, stunned. “You… you need to stop talking. I need to call for help.”

                “No.” He grabbed her arm as she reached for her phone. “Why didn’t tell me you could do that?”

                “I was afraid. I thought you would have left me.”

                “Never. I love you, Kari. I always have and I always will.” His eyes began to droop and she watched him fade away into unconsciousness.

                “No. Jarrod. Jarrod!” Kari panicked and quickly dialed 911. She rambled off their location and waited anxiously next to him until she saw the lights. She ran to the sidewalk and began waving her arms and yelling.

                An ambulance and a police car pulled onto the side of the road. From the ambulance stepped a large dark haired man. “Where is he?” Kari pointed and the man briskly walked to Jarrod’s side to check vital signs. The driver, a blonde, pulled out the stretcher and together they loaded Jarrod up. Kari was slightly confused at they pulled out another stretcher but understood as they walked to Kyle’s side.

                “This one’s dead,” muttered the larger man. “What did this girl see?” The other just shrugged and loaded the body into the car.

"The physicality is the best part."

No. The body is the least important part. The mind and the heart are what I need and no one will ever have a heart as beautiful as his. No one will ever be able to understand me like he did. No one will ever deserve my love like he did. No one will ever be worth as much as he was to me. I will never love like that again. I will never be able to give myself to someone else because he still owns my heart. And I don’t want it back. I hope I never love again. I hope I never have to hurt like this again. He can keep my heart and my soul because I don’t want it. I don’t want to live with just some other body to hold me because I know that I’d just be hurting them like he did to me. I hope no one falls in love with me so they don’t have to suffer like this. I hope all the pain is only caused to me and it dies with me so no one else has to feel like this. Never. Never again will I be as happy as I was with him but never again will I bring someone such sadness as I did to him or he did to me. You can keep all your low-grade slutty morals to yourself and shut your mouth about things you don’t understand. You can never understand what that kind of love is like so don’t even pretend that you do.

What I Want

What do I want? I want to write. I want to be a person that changes a generation with my words. Words can do anything. They have the power to fix lives or tear them apart. With a pencil and some paper, I can do anything. I can help people all over the world. I want to teach those who have everything what it feels like to lose it all. I want to give those who have lost everything the courage to win it all back. I want to be a person my children and their children will look up to because of how much I have accomplished. One day, I will be the kind of person I want my kids to be. One day, I will be the kind of person I’ve always admired. One day, I will be somebody with the strength to do anything. That’s what I want. I want to live. I want to love. And I want to teach people what it’s like to feel how I do. With these words, people will relate and react and I will be the one to thank when they come together. One day, I will say “you’re welcome” with a heart full of joy and a mind full of what comes next.

Help....

If I irritate you so much, then why don't you just find someone who doesn't? Why don't you find someone who will make you happy and not bug you all the time? Someone who makes you smile, not frown. Someone who will listen to you and listen to all your stories without butting in and making corrections. Someone who shares the same outlooks on life and doesn't dash your dreams with fucking logic. Find someone who treats you like you are the best thing in the world and someone who will love you for everything you do. Find someone you like to talk to all the time, like that girl from school that you text. You text her but you can't find the time to text me... I must not be good enough for any of that. I must not be good enough for you anymore. So find someone better than me. Because you deserve better. Because you deserve to be happy and I am just not doing it for you anymore. Stop dragging me around in this relentless pursuit for your heart and just let me go. I'm not strong enough to give you up unless you throw me aside, but I'm tired of this pain all the time. Don't bring up my hopes just to grind me into the ground time and time again. I can't do this anymore....

Dabbling with a sex scene

Now I know this is terrible writing and overall just poorly done but its the first draft and I had to write it to get it out of my head. Sorry.

                Lindsee knocked on Jason’s door late Friday night. She knew he would be home; he always was when she needed him. Sure enough, he came to the door in less than a minute looking like he had just rolled out of bed and threw on whatever was on the floor. He wore rumpled jeans and a baggy black t-shirt. Her eyes ran over him and her breath caught. With his hair messy and his clothes ragged, he was the most gorgeous thing she had ever seen.

                “What’s up, buttercup?” he asked with a sideways smile.

                She smiled back and wrapped her arms around herself. “Can I come in and talk?”

                “Of course.” He held the door open as she walked in and tried not to stare too much at her legs. He rarely saw as much skin on her as what her shorts were showing. Small and black, they looked like something she would wear to bed but never in public. As she took off her jacket to reveal a small red tank top, his thoughts were confirmed. “Just got out of bed?”

                “Yeah. I couldn’t sleep and decided I should come see you. You have a way of calming my mind,” she admitted sheepishly. Normally, she would feel more self-conscious with how little she was wearing, but tonight she felt bold. She followed him to his room and sat next to him on the disheveled bed. She worried her hands together and tried to look everywhere except him. She didn’t know how she was going to tell him. She didn’t know how to make her move.

She looked over at him and licked her lips. His hair hung long and curly around his ears. His dark eyes drifted from her lips to her pale blue eyes. He gasped slightly as she moved forward to press herself against him. “Lindsee,” he began, “what are you doing?”

                “I’m not sure yet. Can we just go with it and see what happens?” She traced his jaw from chin to ear with her tongue.

                Jason moaned as she nibbled his ear lobe. “What happened to talking?” he gasped.

                She pulled back slightly to look into his eyes. Flecks of green made a hypnotic swirl around his dilated pupils. “Would you like me to stop?” she whispered seductively.

                A tremor went through his body as he hooked a hand onto the back of her head. “God no.”

               He pulled her into a deep kiss. His tongue slowly ran across her bottom lip and her breath came out in a sudden whoosh. Her hands spasmed and her nails furrowed into his back. He growled and pushed her onto her back, their bodies pressing together. His lips traveled down her chest to the top of the tank top, which he abruptly ripped off her body. As he kissed the top of each breast, his right hand slid underneath her to the clasp. He pulled off the bra in one smooth motion and she smiled.

                “You’re quite good at that.”

                “Loads of practice,” he whispered as his teeth grazed her left nipple. Her eyes rolled up as her eyelids fluttered and her breath quickened. “There are other things I’m quite good at as well.”

“Please,” she gasped. “Show me.”

His grin widened and he quickly pulled down her shorts. The red lace panties made his palms sweat and his heart race, but he kept his cool as he traced the top of them with his fingers.

Lindsee growled softly and grabbed the back of his shirt, pulling it up and over his head. She crawled over so she was sitting on top of him and bit onto his neck. He moaned loudly and arched his back. She ran he tongue down his chest and to his waistline. Hastily, for she hadn’t nearly the amount of self-control that he did, she undid his jeans and ripped both them and his boxers off.

Her hand reached out and wrapped around his erection. Her lips pursed and pressed against the side briefly before parting and sliding over the top. Her eyes never left his face and, to her satisfaction, he groaned and twisted his fingers into her short cropped hair. He struggled to keep her gaze, but couldn’t fight the pleasure and closed his eyes, leaning his head back.

As her lips slid up and down him, he sighed and raised one knee beside her. Her hand slid up onto his thigh and gripped tightly. With one more gasp, he pulled her off of him and stripped her down quickly, all traces of “cool” gone. He moved toward her but then stopped short. “I don’t have any condoms…”

“It’s okay,” she said, eyes shining. “I’m on the pill.”

His face lit up and he thrust forward, fitting smoothly inside her. She gasped and her head fell back, hands gripping his shoulders. Her body shifted on the bed, forming itself to him perfectly. They slid back and forth for an hour, digging nails into each other’s backs, legs, shoulders. Biting and kissing everywhere they could reach. Sometimes he was on her. At others she would be on him, rocking her hips with a natural talent that sent him into a new state of mind.

                At the end, they went together. It was a first time they would never forget. Their cries of passion blended and faded as he settled beside her on the mattress. Each was covered in a light sheen of sweat. Each had half-lidded eyes from emotional exhaustion.

               Not a word was shared, but oh the tales their gazes held.

What would you do?

   When you are 19 and trying your hand in photography, you take what you can get. You don't turn down a job opportunity or dismiss someone who appreciates what you do.
   So... when the most influencial man in your town says he likes what you do, you smile like an idiot and accept the compliment as graciously as you can. He asks you out to dinner to talk about a possible job and all you can do is agree whole heartedly.
   Afterwards, he asks you back to his place to talk and you feel slightly wary. He is twice your age after all. You agree anyways because you need the job.
   You arrive and he sits you in the living room, giving you a glass of champagne, insisting that no one will care if he said it was all right. He talks too much about himself and asks too much about you. He gets too personal and too close. However, your mind is still on the money and you don't really notice. Not until he rests his hand so far up your thigh, it doesn't really count as leg anymore. You begin your rebuttle, but he is already on top of you.
   Squirming won't help you now. He likes that. Screaming won't do any good. No one can hear you. Telling later is pointless. The police are putty in his strong, controlling hands. He asks you, "Didn't you need the job?" He doesn't wait for your answer. "I'll make this as quick as possible. All you need to do is keep that pretty little mouth of yours shut."
   So, what do you do? You lay there and take it with tears streaming down your face because you're only 19 and he has power. Who would believe your word over his?

Madness

I can feel it creeping in. It hits me at night when I try to sleep but just toss and turn for hours. It hits me when I'm at work and my mind wanders. Some people notice when my eyes glaze over and I seem like a robot. I always notice. I try to reel it in but to no avail. These lines on my wrist tell me I still exist. The hard bumps where the cuts are soothe me far more than any word or touch. The madness is becoming who I am. Or maybe it was always who I was. Maybe I am only just realizing that it exists. I can hear it calling me. Maybe someday I'll give in and indulge myself in it. Maybe someday I'll fall and never return...

He

He is my experiment. My toy. I'm using him so I can learn and study reactions. Fuck. I'm using him. To distract me. To learn from. I am just gonna hurt him. I'm so stupid... I need to stop. I need to say no. I need to move on. I need.... I just need to learn to shut up.

Screaming in the Dark

If the snow is so silent then why do
my footsteps scrunch and my rubber soles squeak?
Why do you say the cold is calming and
peaceful? My mind fills the night with dreadful
thoughts of murder and other horrid things.
The white snow haunts me and the hush air kills.
Your so-called “silence” will be my slow death.
Your so-called “silence” will be my slow death.
The white snow haunts me and the hush air kills.
Thoughts of murder and other horrid things…
Peaceful? My mind fills the night with dread so
why do you say the cold is calming as
my footsteps scrunch and my rubber soles squeak?

If the snow is so silent then why…

As I Walk Down The Hallway

I catch his eye and smile.

He smiles back and grabs my arm.
We slide unnoticed into a corner.
His hands move to my waist.
He leans forward and our lips meet.
I wrap my arms around his neck.
My fingers run through his hair.
He pulls me closer.
Our mouths move together,
Our lust finally finding an escape.
His hand slides up my shirt
His fingers run hot against my skin
And…
The bell rings.
I open my eyes.
I’m still in class.
It was just a dream.
No hot make-out session.
Just stupid AP Bio.
Urg.

Forever

When you hold my hand

You hold me up.

You keep me from falling,

You keep me from failing.

When you kiss me softly,

You save my life.

My trust and my heart

Rest in your loving arms.

When you move a little closer,

Your arm touching mine,

You shield me from pain

And chase the monsters away.

When you whisper those three strong words

I forget how to breathe.

I shudder. I smile.

I know I feel the same.

These secrets will be my downfall...

I just want you all to know that I am a bad person. I keep secrets from those I love because I know the things I do will hurt them. But I do these things anyway. I let myself go far too easily and I am not quite right in the head. Maybe if I was saner I wouldn't fall so easily into temptation. I am an addict for anything and anyone that makes me forget and makes me feel good. I am not a good person and you deserve better.

Ouch....

Well that hurt more than I thought it would. You strode to the front of the stage with your sax in your hand. I tried desperately to look everywhere, anywhere else. You smiled and played beautifully. I couldn't help it. I watched the whole time. The familier lean and you hit the stronger notes. The way the crowd could tell you knew what you were doing... It was more than I could bear.
Even after the show I could tell when you were near. You didn't acknowledge me though. You probably didn't know I was there. Your sister didn't look at me either. And your mom, who normally would go out of her way to talk to me, avoided my pleading gaze.
There's too much strife. I can't stand to be around you or see you or hear of you when there is so much unsaid. Seeing you happy and content hurt more than I though it would. There is nothing I can do at this point. Trying to talk to you would be useless. I deleted you from my phone and my facebook but you'll always be in my heart and my memories.
I'm sorry, Dan. You were a good friend but you ran away when challenged. You weren't as strong as I thought you were.

William

     I spent the night with a man named William.
     We sat for hours and sipped our wine. We spoke of movies and music and books. We contemplated the meanings of life and death. We shared stories and laughed until we could not breathe. I fell asleep in his arms and made him breakfast in the morning.
     Complications arose and he had to leave shortly after. He only kissed me twice. Once quickly and nervously early in the evening. One lingering and passionate right as he left. I knew him for a few short hours, but I felt like I had known him my whole life. I may never meet him again, but I will always remember the night I fell for a man named William.

That awkward moment when the person you need to see this never will...

Hey you. Yeah, you! I know we haven't spoken since... Well... Since we dropped you off that day... But I just want you to know that I'm sorry I was such a mess. I'm sorry for everything I did. But mostly I want to let you know that no matter what happened between us... Between any of us... Whenever I look at any of those stupid pictures I took of you, I still smile. I wish things were different. But life never does what we want it to, does it?

Dear fucktard

To the douchbag on Youtube with the gall to call himself "tayronpenis," go to hell. You are rude and ignorant and your severe dislike for gays can be kept to yourself. But for your own information, AIDS is not a gay disease. It comes from mixing bodily fluids and anyone can get it. Gays get it more often because they don't think of condoms like straight people do. They don't have to worry about getting pregnant. Freddie Mercury got AIDS for this reason. And, in the 80's, no one knew about the disease because it was very hush hush. And I am almost okay with you disliking gays because you are entitled to your own opinion, but that is no reason to hate Queen. They were inovators and creators. They helped millions of people with their music and spurred a new movement in the music industry. Never hate a person for being more talented than yourself. Never hate someone for being talented. Never hate someone for being themselves.
Oh yeah. And some people are born gay. Scientifically proven that some people have different brainwaves and that is why they like people of the same gender. My friend is turning into a guy by taking testosterone because he was born with the brain of a male and the body of a female. He wanted to be one way but society and people like you told him to be the opposite. But now he is standing up for himself and being who he had to be.
So stop being a dick and judge people after you learn their hopes, dreams, desires, and who they are as people. Because that is what they are. People. Just as we all are.

I read too much

I really do. The perfect guy in my mind is someone who stands up for me when I can't. I want the guy everyone writes about. I want the guy that knows me better than myself.
Recently, I went on a trip and a guy we'll just call George to keep identities safe. George was an ass to me the entire one and a half weeks. George constantly made me feel useless and insignificant. He tortured me emotionally. The only time Matt stood up for me was when he was personally hurt by George. He didn't try to stop the other stuff even though he knew how much pain I was in. If my life was in a book, this is more how it would have happened....
(Names have been changed and it is in third person because that is just how I work.)

At one point on the return trip, Lyndsee had had enough. She was sitting in the passenger seat as Cheryl drove and was shaking with anger. If he says one more thing.... I'm gonna crack. And then he did.
"This piece of shit GPS is getting us no where. Just like this dumb car. You buy shit stuff, Lyndsee."
"Do you know what?!?" she screamed, tears rolling down her face. "If you hate all my stuff so much then why don't you spend tons of money paying for this dumb ass trip?!"
Cheryl sighed and looked in the rearview mirror at Jake. He just shook his head and gently asked Lyndsee to hand him the GPS. She gritted her teeth and threw it at him. It bounced off the window and hit him in the shoulder. She knew she had gone too far, but she was too far gone to care.
Cheryl pulled over the car at the first exit and checked te GPS herself. Lyndsee got out of the car and slammed her door. She walked a good 10 feet behind the car and then started screaming. She kept until she fell to her knees, sobbing. She could feel the panic creeping into her heart and jammed her hand into her mouth to stifle the smaller screams of pain and terror.
Inside the car, George looked at Jake with a sneer. "Your girlfriend is a drama queen."
Jake reached over and grabbed George by the shirt collar. "Shut the fuck up. You don't know shit about what she's going through. All of this is because of you! If you could just learn to keep your damn mouth shut then she would be fine. Instead you keep jabbing at her insecurities and breaking down her walls she tried so hard to keep up. You don't know how much pain she's been in cuz she's too damn nice to inconvenience you by letting you know. After all this, she probably still wants to be frienda with you. God knows why. After this, I never wanna see your face again." Jake got out of the car and knelt near Lyndsee, holding her shoulders as she shook.
Her panic attack was getting worse, but she didn't want him to know. She bit into her hand to stop the screams and her eyes were refusing to blink. The ground in front of her face was a blur theough the tears and blood slowly started to leak from her hand.
George slowly knelt on the other sidw of her and put his hand on the top of her head. "I'm sorry."
Her cries started to quiet and she loosened her jaw. Her breath began to even out and within 10 minutes she was just crying silently. The three didn't move until she finally stood up and walked back to the car. Jake looked at George and nodded a silent thank you. He smiled slightly and nodded back, his eyes troubled.
The state of Lyndsee's hand made him see how much he had really hurt her on the inside. Each perfect toothmark beaded with blood was like each taunt and jest he had thrown at her. For the rest of the trip, the rest of his life, he watched his words. He held his tongue and looked up to her for not hating hm for his mistake.

See? Isn't that lovely? Jake stood up for her and helped her through it. I need that. But... This isn't a fairytale. In real life, I did flip at George and I did stupidly throw the GPS at Matt. But I didn't storm out of the car and I used my nails instead of my teeth. That way, no one saw it. No one knew. No one was bothered by it. They just thought it was a bad day. They didn't know I was actually having an attack. They still don't know...
But this is my note to... George. I'm sorry for flipping on you. I'm sorry for not talking to you since then. When I'm at a shortage of people who will care about me... I should probably stop making the few people I know mad. So... I'm sorry. Foegive me?